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thingsaredifferent
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Name: Manders
Location: Kyrgyzstan
Birthday: 8/15/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: God, learning about other faiths, Catholicism, art-ish stuff, taekwondo, saxophone, drawing, movies, music, and writing, reading, food (the good kinds), dreaming, sleeping in general, trying to reach for impossible goals, smiling, laughing my head off, stupid jokes, funny stories, making sure my friends stay happy (for my sanity), faires, consulting my dart board, playing with my puppy and kitty, goofing off, driving my friends insane, playing football, singing when no one can hear me, but not reading or having anything to do with school work.
Expertise: I'm the world's biggest bum, forgetting to write down my assignments, sleeping(when I can, but I am no master!), and trying to achieve the impossible.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Tkwondchamp2
Member Since:
2/21/2004
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| Looking back on previous entries that I've jammed into this annoying little blog makes me want to throw up some times. I was one screwed up kiddo. Seriously, I know I was.
But today, I was suddenly overcome with guilt and the realization that... NOW... I'm much, much worse.
I know this is a public blog. Okay. Whatever. Do I honestly care if you read this? Not really? I don't think? Why am I writing my woes here?
Lately, I've been having an emotional, vain, immoral, angry, blasphemous life. I take it as, "The norm", and what people want me to be. The truth is, I'm NONE of the things I've been portraying lately, and have just been indulging in sin to the fullest extent.
It's one in the morning, and I've been lying in bed, like I've been doing for the past month, wondering why I can't sleep, why I'm so grumpy, and why, no matter HOW MUCH medication I shove down my throat, I'm not happy.
Because I'm not. I've been drowning my sorrows in sin, SO MUCH sin, I actually lay here in GUILT every night. And tonight, I reflected on something.
When I came into school as a freshman in college, I was a totally different person. I joined the Newmann Club, I was a lector in church, was in charge of a holy hour, was a part of Habitat for Humanity, was in love with Tae Kwon Do, and actually chose friends based on whether or not they would actually be GOOD for me.
I didn't like those friends at West Chester very much. I was still always upset. I was having a hard time adjusting. But at least I had God.
Fast forward to my Junior year of college, where I'm at Penn State on the main campus, at parties playing drinking games, taking shots, and hanging with people I don't like or really feel totally comfortable around because I want to fit in. I only went to a grand total of 3 Newmann Club meetings the entire year, dropped Habitat like it's hot, barely cared to make it to church every week unless I was home, was full of lust, didn't care enough to do any sports anymore, and hung out with Archaeology majors who, as one said on the last day, that there were three things that made up an Archaeologist. You're a scientist, an atheist, and an alcoholic.
And as I step back now, I'm looking at my life with a sudden shock and wondering how I got to this point. Who AM I, these days?? I don't even KNOW me. AT ALL. No, I'm not an alcoholic. I don't think. I like drinking I think, and I like feeling buzzed, but I've never been drunk. I never let myself get that far. Am I an alcoholic because I like feeling that way? Do I like feeling that way because I'm so guilty over my life right now?
Today, I was angry. Like, legit angry. I'm a lair, a cheat, a blasphemer, a sinner, and I don't even know how I feel about my own faith anymore. I'm becoming exactly like that one archaeology major said I would be. And I hate it.
Why can't I believe in evolution and creationism? Why can't I believe in God? Why is my MAJOR making me doubt the old testament? Why am I such a POSER? For EVERYTHING?
I'm almost afraid to look the people I love in the face this summer. I'm so, so, SO much worse than I've ever been. I've lost my spark. I don't know who I am, what I want, and I feel like a freakin' little emo kid. Aren't you supposed to have these life changing things happen to you when you're... I dunno... 16? Didn't I go through enough? Why do I have to start doubting everything that I've always known?
So, now you see my true colors, xanga. In the mean time, I better go get out some annoyingly baggy black clothes, sit in the corner and rock back and fourth while I read some depressing poetry. Bring on the little candles and eye liner. | | |
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I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.
I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility
And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Mmmmm ....
I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life
And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility
Mmmmm ......
And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It Right
And We'll Be United
And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility
Mmmm .....
And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get Than I Get
Oh You Know It'll All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get
I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
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| People that I care about make me grumpy.
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| It turns out I have a serious addiction and need prayers big time. | | |
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